Consider this: Feelings are signals. Hunger is a feeling that tells us to eat so we will survive. Thirst is so we will drink water to survive. What if feelings of, ‘self esteem’, ‘confidence’, ‘loneliness’ and so on are also signals telling us something to ensure our happiness and survival?
A feeling of ‘togetherness’ is letting us know we are bonded and cared for – a nice feeling that tells us we are included and therefore likely to survive. Whereas, feeling ‘lonely’ is uncomfortable and tells us we are alone and therefore not as likely to survive (social animals i.e people do better in mated couples, communities and groups) – so we better pay attention and do something about the loneliness signal (e.g meet up with someone for a chat) to improve our odds of survival.
For most people, in order to survive and have a meaningful life we need to be approved of by others. The only people who thrive alone are people who are bonded to nature and live in the wild and spiritual people who are very closely aligned with a higher/inner power. Everyone else live interrelated with others. The four main groups we need esteem/approval from are 1) lovers/mates (if we are attractive to others we can procreate the species and have support in life to rare our young) 2) friends and family (for fun, support, belonging) 3) work partners (to survive financially and be regarded for our work) and 4) our inner audience that is either encouraging or putting us down.
If we are esteemed by others (lovers, friends/family, in work) we are getting feedback from the environment that how we are behaving is meeting with their approval. We will then have a feeling signal of high self-esteem.
If we are not esteemed by others (e.g potential mates are not interested, we find it difficult to meet friends, our family are critical, our work is going unnoticed) we are getting feedback from the environment that how we are behaving is not meeting with their approval. We will then have a feeling signal of low self-esteem.
If coupled with external approval we esteem ourselves – i.e our inner audience is telling us we are doing well then we will feel high ‘self esteem’ and vica versa.
Understanding that the ‘low esteem’ feeling is a signal we can see that it is telling us to either 1) change our behaviour so that we are met with approval or 2) find another tribe or group to interact with who will find our behaviour acceptable and get esteem from them or 3) if external esteem is forthcoming and we still feel low self esteem then we need to work on our inner audience so that we can let the feeling of self esteem rise.
The important message is to consider the feeling of self esteem to be a signal. We can then view it as something we can use to our benefit rather than something that’s intrinsically wrong with us. It’s simply a bad feeling prompting us to pay attention to how we might not be getting our needs met and letting us know we may need to change. In this way we can take charge; we can improve our inner audience and/or change our behaviour with our mates, friends, family and work colleagues to get esteem externally and in that way the self-esteem feeling will improve and in all likelihood so will our lives.
Once we discover what needs to change we may feel challenged to do so. Yet support and advice is always available through books, on-line, in person with a coach or therapist, through support groups and so on.
If we were to understand and act on the low esteem signal the same way as we would a hunger signal we would greatly reduce our suffering and quickly improve our life.
I’m more than happy to discuss further if you are interested in dropping in for a chat.
You can get me at
087 2201 453
Or info@DublinMindTraining.com